I can’t recall the exact date in 2001, but I can recall the feelings that overwhelmed me at that moment. I wanted to die.

The year had been rough. I lost my son, Reiley, moved from “home” and entered into a relationship that was far from healthy. It was all too much for me to bear, or so I felt at that moment. It was worthlessness. Complete and utter despair. I found myself determined to bring my life to a screeching halt before it truly began.

I was vulnerable. I didn’t want to admit to myself or anyone else that this relationship that I had once enjoyed so well was truly a disaster. That’s what started the ball rolling…

The perfect relationship I had shared with Rob H. suddenly turned south when I moved to Arizona with him. What was once time well spent quickly became two individuals tolerating one another. This back and forth continued to escalate. It was just a few short months after moving I discovered Jacie.

Jacie was the first in a long string of women that I tolerated Rob traipsing in and out of my life. I remember the night he sat down with me and told me that Jacie was pregnant. I lost it and didn’t know what to do. His lying words convinced me that I should stay, though in my heart, I knew it was over.

Jacie was not pregnant, however. She was supposedly having an abortion on my birthday and it was requested of me to drive to her work and take photographs of her leaving. I did. And it hurt.

Somewhere between October and January, I decided to go home. We had called off our relationship and felt it was best to go our separate ways. But that wasn’t the end.

Shortly after returning home, Rob began calling me regularly. It was the “I miss yous” and “things will be different” that lead to my driving through treacherous conditions across Wyoming, Colorado and into New Mexico to begin again, or not.

Within a few weeks of being in Albuquerque, he was back at his old ways. He was disappearing and having all these “conversations” online that would suddenly be closed the moment I walked in the door. Yet, I still stayed.

May rolled around and by then I tolerated Karen and Barb. There was someone new this time, Megan. This WAS different. He brought her into our home and introduced me to her. I flipped out, yelling and screaming with her sitting on our couch. I couldn’t take it. I was at my wits end and walked out that night with a bag packed and headed to a friends house.

Bree was there, amazingly. She welcomed me into her home. I stayed on her couch a few nights. Each morning I was faced with the same series of events – Rob showing up and begging to speak with me. After I knew he was gone to work, I would go “home” and attempt to make arrangements to leave, move on with my life. I tried.

Rob again said the right words and I agreed to stay. For a few weeks our relationship was good. We were back to doing things together all the time, enjoying one another.

After the honeymoon period ended, he was back to the duality of his life. I was working and she was there. I would awake some mornings to find that he was far from present.

Each month, the company Rob worked for would host an end of the month get together at the restaurant across the street. This particular Friday was strange. Rob’s car was in the shop and he called, requesting I pick him up from work. I was there before he got off. It was a few minutes until he should be walking out that a car pulled in next to me. It was Megan.

Instantly, I was overcome with a series of emotions. I had thoughts running through my mind as to what I should do, say and the like. I felt my blood begin to boil as time progressed. Then I saw him. It was decision time. Me or Her.

He walked to her car and said something. He came over to my vehicle and sat in the passenger seat. I was in a tunnel as he said that Megan would take him to pick up his car as he needed to end things with her once and for all. He promised that he would return home within an hour. I sat parked and they left.

I made the drive home, with an indescribable feeling. My mind was racing as the thought of them together was eating me alive. I watched the clock and paced back and forth. An hour passed and he was nowhere to be found. I tried calling him. No answer.

I got in my car and drove by the office. He wasn’t there. I drove through the parking lot of the restaurant across the street and as I passed the patio, I saw them holding hands laughing. That was it. I had lost all sense of self and control.

I squealed my tires as I jetted out of the parking lot. I hit the interstate and tried to get into a car accident so severe, I would die. I managed to make it home by the Grace of God. It was then I looked through all the cabinets and began taking every pill I could. I wrote a letter and said my good-byes. I drifted off with the intention of never returning.

I don’t recall the exact time I drifted off. I know it was fairly early as the sun was still brightly shining. I do recall, however, the way I awoke.

I was in a tunnel, pinks, greys and whites surrounded me. I was met by a woman wearing a beautiful flowing gown with blond hair in ringlets. Her eyes were piercing blue. She spoke to me and surrounded me with her arms. With a push from her I remember watching her become smaller and smaller and the phone was ringing.

I wasn’t at work, it was nearing eleven. Mike had been trying to call me for almost an hour. I was unaware.

I sat up from the couch and picked up the phone. No one was there. Frightened and unsure what to do, I called my mom. I began to throw up while on the phone with her. She asked that I call 9-1-1 and call her back. I did.

When the officers arrived, they took the phone from me and informed my mom of the hospital I would be admitted.

It was a long three-day stay at St. Joseph’s. It was a much longer road ahead.