Gary,

In recent weeks, I have spent a great deal of time depressed and through this process have looked at the reason why I have fallen into that state. It took me many tears and much talking to discover that I left my comfort zone that I had in Rawlins. I had secured myself a stable job that provided me with everything I needed, financially as well as socially. I had great friends that I could rely on, an awesome support system and friends for Jaden. I pretty much had everything I could have wanted and needed there.

When I left Rawlins, I left all of that behind and along with that, the band aid that was masking all of my emotional baggage that has now resurfaced in an ugly manner. It’s time for me to deal with those past issues now instead of pacifying those wounds with another band aid solution. Especially at this point in my life, it is necessary for me to actually handle this, so it doesn’t negatively impact my current relationship and future marriage. This is my ultimate goal with this letter and the emotional statements that follow are necessary for my own healing and personal growth.

I grew up in a home that was far from stable emotionally. I remember you and mom fighting at the house on Barrett. I can recall some nights that were so intense, I hid for my own safety in the closet of the bedroom. The sound of glass shattering and the two of you screaming haunts me to this day. It didn’t end there and continued in the house on Apache. I will never forget the sight of clowns flying from one end of the house towards the other. The inability for you to communicate effectively with one another, topped with some serious anger management issues left an extremely hostile environment for me to grow up in.

I was already very sensitive and had many difficulties at that point in my life because of the other abuse I was enduring from Jim. Your behaviors only added to the emotional devastation that has plagued my life through adulthood. I can’t even count all the times I would cower in sheer fear of you. You were supposed to be someone that I could run to and wrap my arms around and tell you how much I loved you and know that you would be there as a support throughout my life. You didn’t allow that type of relationship to be developed because you were so hateful and controlling. You came into my life at such a young and impressionable age, you could have made the most outstanding impact on my life and truly been everything a father entails, however, the behaviors you exerted left you falling short of that title.

I have struggled with my anger that has carried with me for all of these years and at times have become so angry with Jaden, I’ve wanted to spank him until I couldn’t spank him any longer. I have, fortunately, learned how to walk away when I’m that angry so that the actions that were bestowed upon me aren’t bestowed upon my son. The cycle of abuse stops with me. I will not beat my son when I am angry as easy as that would be. I have made the choice to be a better parent than you chose to be and will not subject my son to the emotional devastation that could carry on to his children as a result of how I was treated as your ‘daughter.’

You always had to control everything. You controlled mom, we kids, anything that you could possibly bring to succumb to your liking, no matter how detrimental. I have struggled with control in my life, too. I have always wanted everything to go the way that I wanted it to and didn’t care who I hurt in the process. I have learned in major ways that I can’t be in control of everything and everyone. Each person HAS to have the opportunity to make and learn from their own choices, without the harsh response of those around. It is through their own process of trial and error that they learn who they are and what they feel comfortable with and what isn’t near as comfortable.

I hated you. I still feel hatred towards you. I have never had the courage to look you in the eye and tell you anything that might upset you as your reaction would be nothing less than intolerable. I have, when not completely rebelling against you, only spoken to you about things that would please you, that would offer you something to brag about, that would make you proud. That time has come to an end. There is absolutely nothing that I can do that would give you reason to brag about me or anyone else. The only thing that matters is my own feelings of myself and seeing myself as a worthy person. You don’t deserve to brag about someone who has struggled throughout their life to survive as a result of your own horrifying and ruthless actions.

I have never been able to speak out, especially to men. That is something I still struggle with to this day. How fair is it that I went through so much abuse before the time I started counseling in 1st or 2nd grade? Because of your actions and my inability to express anything that I felt at home prevented me from having the ability to speak out, in words as to what was going on in my life. I couldn’t tell the counselor that my brother was molesting me, my father would beat on anyone that he could, wouldn’t stop drinking to save his life – more importantly for the lives of his children (or those he claimed to be children.) It is amazing to me that Jim has abused not only myself, not only one other person I know about, but also his children. That could have all stopped if I would have had the ability to speak out. YOU stopped that in my life and you’ve prevented me from speaking out many times about what has happened to me. You aren’t a hero for coming into my mother’s life and being the man that she chose to marry. You’re far from it.

Do you realize that I tried to run away more times than I can count before I was even 10 years old? Do you know why I didn’t want to be in that house? Can you even fathom how you impacted my life? I don’t think you can or will ever correlate the behaviors I exerted to the abuse I endured, and it is up to me to show you the light, so to speak so that maybe, one day, you will stop the behaviors you still continue to exert and become a man who deserves the title of father.

Do you remember the first time that I stood up to you? I was barely twelve and mom had gone into the hospital for the first time. Nick and I were fighting over the remote and you walked over with your fist clenched to hit me. Nick took the remote from me and I was taking it back. However, Nick is your biological child and you’ve always favored him in ways that is apparent to everyone. You went to strike me, someone you claimed to be your daughter, because that is what you did to get the reaction that you wanted. I stood there, trembling with fear over being beaten black and blue to stand up to you and told you that I knew where my mother’s gun was and I wasn’t afraid to use it. You backed off. Perhaps you saw that your behaviors were inappropriate. I cried myself to sleep that night and feared you coming into my room to take out all of your aggression on me.

It wasn’t much later that I can recall sitting in the spa in the backyard with you, Mom and Nick. I remember you holding me down in your lap while you were aroused. You wouldn’t let me up. Do you realize that is sexual abuse? That wasn’t the last time you crossed that line either.

We always had to walk on eggshells with you home. I can’t tell you how much we cherished the time when you would be out of town on business. We would relax and enjoy ourselves – we kids and mom. There was no harshness, no control. We were able to be free – free from the oppressor in our lives. I’ve looked at all men as oppressors and for the first time in my life have found a relationship that is quite the opposite and have someone in my life who encourages me instead of tries to control me. Do you know how difficult it is for me to understand how a man can be that way? It’s an amazing difference and one that even as I struggle to accept it, don’t want anything in my past to destroy what we have.

I have stuck with men who were oppressors and stuck with them because I didn’t know better. Right before mom died, I found out I was pregnant. After returning home, to Albuquerque, I was held hostage in my apartment and was told that if I didn’t abort that baby, I would die. I was driven to the abortion clinic and had an abortion. Why? Because I didn’t believe I could make a choice for myself. Thank you for that. Your actions in my life lead to that reaction in mine.

My mom was adamant about protecting me. She didn’t have to protect Nick from you, but she did have to protect me. When she wasn’t around, you would lash out on me like there was no tomorrow. And you wondered why I couldn’t apply myself in school in Midland… I remember when Mom had gone to see Katy and Kyle. I had asked if I could go somewhere with Lisa and you told me not until my chores were done. As part of my chores depended upon Nick doing his chores, I had asked him to unload the dishwasher. You blew up at me and told me that I belonged in the kitchen. So I started unloading the dishwasher and in the process was slamming dishes and exerting my anger on the dishes instead of standing up to you. You walked into the kitchen screaming at me and again with your fists balled to hit me. I reached into the top shelf of the dishwasher and grabbed the biggest knife I could and told you to go right the fuck ahead. I was DONE being suppressed and abused by you.

It was shortly after that time that I ran away and got in serious trouble with the law. YOUR behaviors brought that to happen. It was YOU and how YOU treated me that made me not want to be around my mom or my brother. YOU caused that pain and there is NOTHING you can say to change that. I missed out on having many more years and quality years with my mom because of your actions. Your abuse that you put me through has left a lifetime of scars and open wounds. Life could have been different if you would have been a true father, in every sense of the word.

You would and have swooped in when necessary. That’s something you’ve always been good about. If you can give yourself some sort of clout by showing financial stability or being a martyr you felt better about yourself and held that over the head of who you were saving. You did no good by doing that. Being a support for your children is something that parents do without holding it over their head. Your actions would have left you a hero standing had you not done the later.

I’m going to embark on a subject that does nothing more than turn you into a very irate person. My brother is someone that I love very much. I want him to be the most successful person he possibly can be, on his own. Nick is now in his 20’s and somehow you feel such a grave responsibility for him that you are willing to forsake everything that is in your life for that cause. I know that when Mom was dying, she had asked that you take care of Nick and ensure that he was okay. She didn’t ask you to forsake your own financial standings to do so. She wanted you to step up and be a real parent; to instill morals, elicit boundaries, and actually parent Nick instead of allowing him to fend for himself with financial support. You have done the exact opposite of what Mom wanted. I know what she wanted because she talked about not having the ability to parent Nick the way he should have been parented due to her own illnesses that plagued her life.

As I said, I love my brother, and I will always love my brother. I have been working on and will continue to work on my relationship with him, but I also know that he will not ever truly have the ability to grow up and become an individual unless he is on his own. You haven’t allowed that to happen by supporting him financially. All you have done is prolonged the inevitable and the day you die and leave him to fend for himself will be a day that devastates him immensely. You can’t hold your support over his head and you need to encourage him to become truly independent. Perhaps then you will have the ability and time necessary to work on yourself.

You have always jumped to help Nick and have done everything you could for him. You’ve done that because he is your biological child. Again, here is the difference in how you treat those that are your own from those who aren’t… You promised Denise that you would come over and help them with some electrical issue that they have. It’s been years and you’ve never upheld that promise, however, if Nick calls or asks for anything, you bend over backwards to ensure that he has exactly what he wants and how he wants it. You’ve done that to all of us children and left a huge rift between us and Nick. I am better than your behaviors and I am working on that relationship with my brother because I don’t want to lose another person in my life and lose the quality time I could spend with them as a result of your behaviors that continue to plague this family.

If ever anyone has become angry when faults are brought forth about them, it’s you. I remember when I was in counseling after Jim left to join the Army and had discussed in great detail and length how your drinking and demeanor had effected me. My counselor then had asked that you join a session so that I could express what I felt in a controlled environment where you wouldn’t be capable of lashing out against me. You refused to join and refused to allow me the opportunity to express myself once again. You found a means to control the situation by not being present. Have you begun to see how this all falls together and the impact it has made in my life?

Counseling, however, was not a lost cause. I was able to gain the tools necessary to appease the general masses and for the most part, skate by without causing a serious disruption by expressing who I was. I learned that by conforming into what others wanted. Fortunately, I’ve learned and grown since that time and there’s no more conforming for me. I am who I am because of what I’ve endured in my life. I have accepted that fact and now I am rising above all that you have contributed to, starting with this letter and in the future, I will help those who have been in similar situations with the healing that they need and desire. As I said before, the abuse stops with me.

I have no reason in my life to try and mask these problems and the pain that you’ve bestowed upon me. Everything that I have felt is very real as well are the experiences I’ve encountered with you as the ‘father’ figure in my life. Your presence in my life hasn’t been all that you’ve made it out to be. You’ve taken as much from me as any person possibly can. You’ve abused me and abused me in ways that have left their mark on my heart, mind, soul and life. You’ve reached out to me and lashed out against me. I’m not returning those actions, but letting go of all that your presence in my life has brought with it in a constructive manner that you can’t respond to without first seeing the possible repercussions as I’ve clearly laid them out here.

Knowing the person that you are, I am fairly sure that this will be the last contact that we have for a very long time to come. You are good at holding grudges when no grudge is necessary. I hope that in the time it took you to read this, you have reflected upon the choices you made throughout my life and perhaps will take the time to examine what you need to change in yourself so that your grandchildren won’t refer to you as Grandpa Grump but as Grandpa, and be someone they love and cherish.

I wish you the best in your own life. As I said before, I am sure that you won’t want to have any contact with me for a very long time to come, as that is the pattern of behavior you have expressed in the past. I’m okay with that and understand that is how you react. I wish you much happiness and success in letting go of your own demons from your past so you can become an amazing person we, as your children, are very proud to know and claim.

Mysti