I wrote this letter to my brother January 29, 2007. He was sentenced to 14 years on November 16, 2006 for molesting another victim. There is now a hearing for a sentence reduction as a few of the charges were past the statue of limitations. He will return to Ft Stewart, GA in approximately a weeks time for the reduction sentence. He was charged with and convicted on all counts, I believe it was six counts total.

I didn’t follow the case as closely as I could have. I did, however, have to give a statement to the Criminal Investigation Department in regards to the abuse that I endured from him. I was an emotional wreck sitting there at the table in that little restaurant in Rawlins, Wyoming. I, at that point, couldn’t differentiate between by brother and my assailant. That is something I still have some struggles with, however, my views of him are as my assailant throughout the majority of this letter.

After a very difficult and emotional move to Cheyenne, Wyoming with the man I was set to marry in May, we’ve gone through too many struggles with the resurfacing of my emotional baggage. It is through the desire for this relationship to survive and become stronger than before and much more stable has fueled me desire to let go of all that gunk that has held me down and prevented me from being the person that I am.

There will be more letters to come and if I receive any sort of responce, I have no problems sharing those letters as well. It is a challenge to overcome the inability to speak up about the impact others’ actions have made in one’s life can be an enormous hurdle. Don’t fear someone not acknowledging your feelings. You know what happened to you and the impact carries through your life in many ways one may not think possible to start. It has taken me crying for days on end through the real examination of my life to finally see the point of letting it out – in a constructive manner.

Without further ado, a letter to my brother and my assailant.

Jim,As difficult as this letter is for me to write, I know that it is a necessary step in my final and ultimate healing that needs to take place in my life. I have come to this realization because of all that has transpired and how it has affected me, my life and those around me.

I have been angry. I have been angry at everything in my life. I made choices in my life because I didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t correlate what you did to me with the choices I was making and was so lost in my life, I wouldn’t have been able to understand all that was taking place. It wasn’t until so many years later that I have been able to comprehend everything.

I feel guilty. I was only 8 years old when I told Mom that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill myself because of what I was going through and she couldn’t understand why I would feel that way. I was put into counseling and when the male counselor was getting frustrated with not understanding why I felt the way I did, instead of actually looking at what I was telling him through pictures, I conformed to what he wanted and it was the end of my counseling. I should have continued, and perhaps further abuse wouldn’t have occurred in my life, but even more so, in the lives of the girls. I can’t possibly think that you would be able to differentiate between victims you chose with a blood relation or not at this point. I harbor much guilt for that, and it isn’t my place to be guilty. You hurt me by your own choice and you hurt them by your own choice. The guilt I feel should be solely carried by you.

I even felt guilty when I told Mom at the age of 17 that you had abused me and again in 2000, after I had confronted you. I let her read all the emails between you and I and she cried, for days. She didn’t want to believe me, as you were always the prodigal child and to see that you could have hurt someone devastated her, especially one of her children. She always swore that she wouldn’t let anyone hurt one of her children the way she had been hurt, and you did. I felt guilty because that hurt her. I didn’t need to feel guilty – and neither did she. YOU made your choices and you hurt more than just me by them.

In 2000, after I had confronted you about the abuse you delivered into my life, we had begun the process of rebuilding our relationship. I, at that point, had let go of what occurred in the past and was focused on the present. You were a major part of my life and I wanted you to continue to be part of my life. I trusted you and would confide in you. It was important that we had the sibling relationship, from where I stood. I value family more than you could ever know and I didn’t want to shove you out of my life because I was abused by you. I truly felt we had found a strong and stable relationship that was open and honest. Through this process I have come to the difficult realization that the prior six years were nothing but a fabrication. I would love to believe otherwise, but know that if you were capable of hurting another person then the entire show that you put on was just that, a show and I was just another one of the puppets in the play.

I had rebuilt so much trust in you that I would have given my life to believe that what Rene came forth with was a lie. When I actually heard what she said, I questioned… as there were so many similarities between what she claimed you did to her and what you did to me. It was through listening to the accusations that I had to question deep within myself if you were capable of causing that same life sentence to another person. It is a life sentence and carries through to every aspect of your life. It isn’t something you just forget and if you don’t remember EVERYTHING at some point little things will sneak out when you least expect it and again, it throws you for such a complete and total whirlwind of emotion it devastates all of those around you – even your children, as I have found.

The physical hurt is nothing compared to the emotional devastation I have encountered through my life. I have looked upon sex as a necessity in order for any person to feel any sort of love towards me. I have been dependent upon a man to provide some sense of happiness in my life. It wasn’t until recently in my life that I discovered I could be happy if I was alone.

It took more struggle in my life to reach that ultimate conclusion that I care to express. I found stability in my life, by myself. I was able to do anything and everything I could have wanted. I was even able to blow $700 on a trip for myself and one other to go to a concert. I was able to do that because I found the stability in my life to accomplish that. However, I’m now struggling, once again, with that as I have moved from my comfort zone and with that, the emotional baggage that I have carried throughout my entire life, starting at such a young age, has resurfaced and I stand, looking at the man that I love so much and question if we can survive this because I am not me – again.

I am reaching a point where I realize more than I could have realized in the past how much your actions play a part in my life. It is because of this that I have to reach out to you, and allow you to see just what pain I have encountered in my life as a result. THIS is not something I wanted, YOUR actions are not something I ASKED for and YOU took my innocence. HOW fair is it that I didn’t get to make my own choices as to who I wanted to touch me, when I wanted them to touch me or how I wanted them to touch me? It isn’t fair and you took all of that away from me. Now, it’s up to me to regain my own sense of self-worth so that I can continue to reach for my dreams and accomplish everything I was born to accomplish.

Voicing my opinion with men has been more than difficult. I have struggled with this since I can remember. If I said anything, I would face the serious repercussions of not feeling loved. I still get scared out of my mind when I have to answer any question that someone might not appreciate. I am brought back to being 8 years old, sitting in that little room with a counselor and him asking me questions about why I drew an image the way I drew it and not having the ability to speak out. YOU did that to me, you took that away from me too. I feel like I have accomplished great feats when someone will ask me now if I’m okay and I respond with “No.” That is a major hurdle in my daily life – and you are at the root of that cause.

I found that I could write and write out the emotions that I felt. You shaped what I wanted to become in my life – a lawyer who specialized in child abuse and abandonment, but at the same time, I feared rejection so bad that I couldn’t bring myself to go to school for it. Where would I be now if I hadn’t gone through the abuse that you put me through? What type of person would I be? I know I wouldn’t be a timid person who questions her every thought and action. I would be a person more than willing to stand up for everything and everyone that I believed in. You took that from me.

I have had very little sense of self-worth throughout my life. I have looked towards everyone else to ensure that I had worth instead of looking at and inside of myself. I have conformed to what other’s felt I should be doing just to have some satisfaction in their eyes that I am worth a shit. I’m a human being and aside from some lousy choices I’ve made in my life, I am an incredible person. I have a heart bigger than most, I help people in any way I possibly can and more importantly, I exist in a manner that, by all standards, is much more honorable than what the majority of society does. I have morals and I live with them, live by them and don’t default myself and allow myself to sit below those morals to exist. My worth as a human is more than I have felt in the last 20 years of my life. I am struggling with that once again, but in dealing with and allowing you to know the true effects of your actions, I don’t have to succumb to those feelings of worthlessness ever again.

You know, I was ashamed to state that my brother went to prison for molesting his daughter. I WAS ashamed. That isn’t a feeling I possess any longer. So what, you went to prison. That isn’t a reason for me to feel shame. There is no reason in the world for me to feel shame that you made the choice to take my innocence and no reason for me not to announce to the world that you did what you chose to do. YOU made your choice and it isn’t for me to feel the repercussions of YOUR choices. It is up to me to rise above the choices you made and cope with the effects they have left in my life so that I can be more than what I have seen myself as for so many years.

I am a woman on a journey to change. I am changing from the timid, insecure and victimized child into a woman with every reason in the world to be proud of who she is, no matter what choices I’ve made in the past. It is up to me to make the best of my life and it’s up to me to ensure that YOUR actions don’t press upon my life in a negative manner any longer. I am working on all of that and working on being the best possible mother, friend, soon-to-be wife (proving that we make it there now), employee and person I possibly can be.

I was happy hearing that you would be in prison for only 14 years to start. I felt that would be enough time for you to undergo serious amounts of treatment and hopefully return to society in a rehabilitated manner. Although, as I sit here now, and really looking at the impact you have made in my life for over 20 years, I’m not sure that a 14 year sentence is adequate. I have lived in a prison for over 20 years of my life. Your daughters will live in a prison for the rest of their lives. Can you truly understand the repercussions of your actions in the time you are in prison? I don’t think that a life sentence is long enough for you to understand or ‘repay’ your debt to your victims.

You are lucky I’m not the biased judge sitting behind the bench sentencing you to your term locked away. Knowing the true devastating impact your actions have left upon your victims would put me wanting them to subject you to cruel and unusual punishment. I don’t have the option of bringing charges against you as the statute of limitations has long run out, but if I could, I would so that I could stand in front of a courtroom full of people and read this letter to them. I want them to know how you have impacted my life and the choices I have made in my life.

At this point, I have to look at you as my assailant instead of my brother. By adding in the dynamics of that relationship, all it does is add to my confusion. You hurt me, you hurt me in ways I never thought possible nor would have thought possible especially since you were supposed to protect me from all the bad in the world as my big brother.

I still love you. That’s something that comes with you being my brother and coming from the same Mother. There are some memories from childhood that include you to which I will forever cherish. The majority, however, lead to ill feelings that I am working on seeing their positive effect in my life now. I really do hope that you receive the treatment that will help you, but I will never see you as a cured person.

I will not apologize for the intensity of this letter. I have no reason to be sorry as it was your actions that brought this letter to its creation. You have much more to account for than the abuse you wrought into my life. Perhaps after knowing the negative impact you have created in my life, you will begin to see the life-long prison your daughters now face and any other victim that has crossed your path in the last 20+ years.

I do wish you well in your time incarcerated. I pray that you will find peace, understanding and somehow find the way to forgive yourself of the heinous actions delivered.

Mysti