I am so filled with anger at this moment in time. I want to rip people’s heads off, pound my fist into walls and scream at the top of my lungs. What would make me this angry? Being a victim and my assailant being someone I should be overwhelmed with joy to see, know and love. I am fighting all of those emotions and just don’t have the outlet necessary to bring everything into focus, into light and begin the process of letting go and healing from all that has been my past. I experienced such a deep violation at such a young age, then had everything flooding back when I confronted my attacker, yet again when I learned he had not only scarred me for life, but also his eldest daughter, now possibly all of his daughters with his middle child starting to state comments about what potentially happened to her and after feeling that there was a resolution, a finality to all that had occurred, I, again, sit here battling all of these emotions to the strongest degree.

I don’t like the person that I am when I feel this way. I don’t like the feelings of hate that leave me to succumb. I am stronger than hate and when trying to mix all of that rage with the uncontrollable desire to feel some sort of love towards a person makes differentiating between the two near impossible… at least for now. I know the bearing this has on all of my relationships – personal and professional. I am struggling to maintain a sense of normalcy that finds itself a far shot from reality at this point in time.

So here I have turned, my favorite blogging place. Where I can post until my hearts’ desire is fulfilled and my fingers ache from the never ending movements across the keyboard. There could be the opportunity for this post to be read and in a months time, disappear from sight and site. This is my vent-all, my venue to thrust emotions into words, which aids in allowing them to find their demise midst the intricate wires that feed this internet we’ve grown to loathe and love.