Gary,

In recent weeks, I have spent a great deal of time depressed and through this process have looked at the reason why I have fallen into that state. It took me many tears and much talking to discover that I left my comfort zone that I had in Rawlins. I had secured myself a stable job that provided me with everything I needed, financially as well as socially. I had great friends that I could rely on, an awesome support system and friends for Jaden. I pretty much had everything I could have wanted and needed there.

When I left Rawlins, I left all of that behind and along with that, the band aid that was masking all of my emotional baggage that has now resurfaced in an ugly manner. It’s time for me to deal with those past issues now instead of pacifying those wounds with another band aid solution. Especially at this point in my life, it is necessary for me to actually handle this, so it doesn’t negatively impact my current relationship and future marriage. This is my ultimate goal with this letter and the emotional statements that follow are necessary for my own healing and personal growth.

I grew up in a home that was far from stable emotionally. I remember you and mom fighting at the house on Barrett. I can recall some nights that were so intense, I hid for my own safety in the closet of the bedroom. The sound of glass shattering and the two of you screaming haunts me to this day. It didn’t end there and continued in the house on Apache. I will never forget the sight of clowns flying from one end of the house towards the other. The inability for you to communicate effectively with one another, topped with some serious anger management issues left an extremely hostile environment for me to grow up in.

I was already very sensitive and had many difficulties at that point in my life because of the other abuse I was enduring from Jim. Your behaviors only added to the emotional devastation that has plagued my life through adulthood. I can’t even count all the times I would cower in sheer fear of you. You were supposed to be someone that I could run to and wrap my arms around and tell you how much I loved you and know that you would be there as a support throughout my life. You didn’t allow that type of relationship to be developed because you were so hateful and controlling. You came into my life at such a young and impressionable age, you could have made the most outstanding impact on my life and truly been everything a father entails, however, the behaviors you exerted left you falling short of that title.

I have struggled with my anger that has carried with me for all of these years and at times have become so angry with Jaden, I’ve wanted to spank him until I couldn’t spank him any longer. I have, fortunately, learned how to walk away when I’m that angry so that the actions that were bestowed upon me aren’t bestowed upon my son. The cycle of abuse stops with me. I will not beat my son when I am angry as easy as that would be. I have made the choice to be a better parent than you chose to be and will not subject my son to the emotional devastation that could carry on to his children as a result of how I was treated as your ‘daughter.’

You always had to control everything. You controlled mom, we kids, anything that you could possibly bring to succumb to your liking, no matter how detrimental. I have struggled with control in my life, too. I have always wanted everything to go the way that I wanted it to and didn’t care who I hurt in the process. I have learned in major ways that I can’t be in control of everything and everyone. Each person HAS to have the opportunity to make and learn from their own choices, without the harsh response of those around. It is through their own process of trial and error that they learn who they are and what they feel comfortable with and what isn’t near as comfortable.

I hated you. I still feel hatred towards you. I have never had the courage to look you in the eye and tell you anything that might upset you as your reaction would be nothing less than intolerable. I have, when not completely rebelling against you, only spoken to you about things that would please you, that would offer you something to brag about, that would make you proud. That time has come to an end. There is absolutely nothing that I can do that would give you reason to brag about me or anyone else. The only thing that matters is my own feelings of myself and seeing myself as a worthy person. You don’t deserve to brag about someone who has struggled throughout their life to survive as a result of your own horrifying and ruthless actions.

I have never been able to speak out, especially to men. That is something I still struggle with to this day. How fair is it that I went through so much abuse before the time I started counseling in 1st or 2nd grade? Because of your actions and my inability to express anything that I felt at home prevented me from having the ability to speak out, in words as to what was going on in my life. I couldn’t tell the counselor that my brother was molesting me, my father would beat on anyone that he could, wouldn’t stop drinking to save his life – more importantly for the lives of his children (or those he claimed to be children.) It is amazing to me that Jim has abused not only myself, not only one other person I know about, but also his children. That could have all stopped if I would have had the ability to speak out. YOU stopped that in my life and you’ve prevented me from speaking out many times about what has happened to me. You aren’t a hero for coming into my mother’s life and being the man that she chose to marry. You’re far from it.

Do you realize that I tried to run away more times than I can count before I was even 10 years old? Do you know why I didn’t want to be in that house? Can you even fathom how you impacted my life? I don’t think you can or will ever correlate the behaviors I exerted to the abuse I endured, and it is up to me to show you the light, so to speak so that maybe, one day, you will stop the behaviors you still continue to exert and become a man who deserves the title of father.

Do you remember the first time that I stood up to you? I was barely twelve and mom had gone into the hospital for the first time. Nick and I were fighting over the remote and you walked over with your fist clenched to hit me. Nick took the remote from me and I was taking it back. However, Nick is your biological child and you’ve always favored him in ways that is apparent to everyone. You went to strike me, someone you claimed to be your daughter, because that is what you did to get the reaction that you wanted. I stood there, trembling with fear over being beaten black and blue to stand up to you and told you that I knew where my mother’s gun was and I wasn’t afraid to use it. You backed off. Perhaps you saw that your behaviors were inappropriate. I cried myself to sleep that night and feared you coming into my room to take out all of your aggression on me.

It wasn’t much later that I can recall sitting in the spa in the backyard with you, Mom and Nick. I remember you holding me down in your lap while you were aroused. You wouldn’t let me up. Do you realize that is sexual abuse? That wasn’t the last time you crossed that line either.

We always had to walk on eggshells with you home. I can’t tell you how much we cherished the time when you would be out of town on business. We would relax and enjoy ourselves – we kids and mom. There was no harshness, no control. We were able to be free – free from the oppressor in our lives. I’ve looked at all men as oppressors and for the first time in my life have found a relationship that is quite the opposite and have someone in my life who encourages me instead of tries to control me. Do you know how difficult it is for me to understand how a man can be that way? It’s an amazing difference and one that even as I struggle to accept it, don’t want anything in my past to destroy what we have.

I have stuck with men who were oppressors and stuck with them because I didn’t know better. Right before mom died, I found out I was pregnant. After returning home, to Albuquerque, I was held hostage in my apartment and was told that if I didn’t abort that baby, I would die. I was driven to the abortion clinic and had an abortion. Why? Because I didn’t believe I could make a choice for myself. Thank you for that. Your actions in my life lead to that reaction in mine.

My mom was adamant about protecting me. She didn’t have to protect Nick from you, but she did have to protect me. When she wasn’t around, you would lash out on me like there was no tomorrow. And you wondered why I couldn’t apply myself in school in Midland… I remember when Mom had gone to see Katy and Kyle. I had asked if I could go somewhere with Lisa and you told me not until my chores were done. As part of my chores depended upon Nick doing his chores, I had asked him to unload the dishwasher. You blew up at me and told me that I belonged in the kitchen. So I started unloading the dishwasher and in the process was slamming dishes and exerting my anger on the dishes instead of standing up to you. You walked into the kitchen screaming at me and again with your fists balled to hit me. I reached into the top shelf of the dishwasher and grabbed the biggest knife I could and told you to go right the fuck ahead. I was DONE being suppressed and abused by you.

It was shortly after that time that I ran away and got in serious trouble with the law. YOUR behaviors brought that to happen. It was YOU and how YOU treated me that made me not want to be around my mom or my brother. YOU caused that pain and there is NOTHING you can say to change that. I missed out on having many more years and quality years with my mom because of your actions. Your abuse that you put me through has left a lifetime of scars and open wounds. Life could have been different if you would have been a true father, in every sense of the word.

You would and have swooped in when necessary. That’s something you’ve always been good about. If you can give yourself some sort of clout by showing financial stability or being a martyr you felt better about yourself and held that over the head of who you were saving. You did no good by doing that. Being a support for your children is something that parents do without holding it over their head. Your actions would have left you a hero standing had you not done the later.

I’m going to embark on a subject that does nothing more than turn you into a very irate person. My brother is someone that I love very much. I want him to be the most successful person he possibly can be, on his own. Nick is now in his 20’s and somehow you feel such a grave responsibility for him that you are willing to forsake everything that is in your life for that cause. I know that when Mom was dying, she had asked that you take care of Nick and ensure that he was okay. She didn’t ask you to forsake your own financial standings to do so. She wanted you to step up and be a real parent; to instill morals, elicit boundaries, and actually parent Nick instead of allowing him to fend for himself with financial support. You have done the exact opposite of what Mom wanted. I know what she wanted because she talked about not having the ability to parent Nick the way he should have been parented due to her own illnesses that plagued her life.

As I said, I love my brother, and I will always love my brother. I have been working on and will continue to work on my relationship with him, but I also know that he will not ever truly have the ability to grow up and become an individual unless he is on his own. You haven’t allowed that to happen by supporting him financially. All you have done is prolonged the inevitable and the day you die and leave him to fend for himself will be a day that devastates him immensely. You can’t hold your support over his head and you need to encourage him to become truly independent. Perhaps then you will have the ability and time necessary to work on yourself.

You have always jumped to help Nick and have done everything you could for him. You’ve done that because he is your biological child. Again, here is the difference in how you treat those that are your own from those who aren’t… You promised Denise that you would come over and help them with some electrical issue that they have. It’s been years and you’ve never upheld that promise, however, if Nick calls or asks for anything, you bend over backwards to ensure that he has exactly what he wants and how he wants it. You’ve done that to all of us children and left a huge rift between us and Nick. I am better than your behaviors and I am working on that relationship with my brother because I don’t want to lose another person in my life and lose the quality time I could spend with them as a result of your behaviors that continue to plague this family.

If ever anyone has become angry when faults are brought forth about them, it’s you. I remember when I was in counseling after Jim left to join the Army and had discussed in great detail and length how your drinking and demeanor had effected me. My counselor then had asked that you join a session so that I could express what I felt in a controlled environment where you wouldn’t be capable of lashing out against me. You refused to join and refused to allow me the opportunity to express myself once again. You found a means to control the situation by not being present. Have you begun to see how this all falls together and the impact it has made in my life?

Counseling, however, was not a lost cause. I was able to gain the tools necessary to appease the general masses and for the most part, skate by without causing a serious disruption by expressing who I was. I learned that by conforming into what others wanted. Fortunately, I’ve learned and grown since that time and there’s no more conforming for me. I am who I am because of what I’ve endured in my life. I have accepted that fact and now I am rising above all that you have contributed to, starting with this letter and in the future, I will help those who have been in similar situations with the healing that they need and desire. As I said before, the abuse stops with me.

I have no reason in my life to try and mask these problems and the pain that you’ve bestowed upon me. Everything that I have felt is very real as well are the experiences I’ve encountered with you as the ‘father’ figure in my life. Your presence in my life hasn’t been all that you’ve made it out to be. You’ve taken as much from me as any person possibly can. You’ve abused me and abused me in ways that have left their mark on my heart, mind, soul and life. You’ve reached out to me and lashed out against me. I’m not returning those actions, but letting go of all that your presence in my life has brought with it in a constructive manner that you can’t respond to without first seeing the possible repercussions as I’ve clearly laid them out here.

Knowing the person that you are, I am fairly sure that this will be the last contact that we have for a very long time to come. You are good at holding grudges when no grudge is necessary. I hope that in the time it took you to read this, you have reflected upon the choices you made throughout my life and perhaps will take the time to examine what you need to change in yourself so that your grandchildren won’t refer to you as Grandpa Grump but as Grandpa, and be someone they love and cherish.

I wish you the best in your own life. As I said before, I am sure that you won’t want to have any contact with me for a very long time to come, as that is the pattern of behavior you have expressed in the past. I’m okay with that and understand that is how you react. I wish you much happiness and success in letting go of your own demons from your past so you can become an amazing person we, as your children, are very proud to know and claim.

Mysti

I wrote this letter to my brother January 29, 2007. He was sentenced to 14 years on November 16, 2006 for molesting another victim. There is now a hearing for a sentence reduction as a few of the charges were past the statue of limitations. He will return to Ft Stewart, GA in approximately a weeks time for the reduction sentence. He was charged with and convicted on all counts, I believe it was six counts total.

I didn’t follow the case as closely as I could have. I did, however, have to give a statement to the Criminal Investigation Department in regards to the abuse that I endured from him. I was an emotional wreck sitting there at the table in that little restaurant in Rawlins, Wyoming. I, at that point, couldn’t differentiate between by brother and my assailant. That is something I still have some struggles with, however, my views of him are as my assailant throughout the majority of this letter.

After a very difficult and emotional move to Cheyenne, Wyoming with the man I was set to marry in May, we’ve gone through too many struggles with the resurfacing of my emotional baggage. It is through the desire for this relationship to survive and become stronger than before and much more stable has fueled me desire to let go of all that gunk that has held me down and prevented me from being the person that I am.

There will be more letters to come and if I receive any sort of responce, I have no problems sharing those letters as well. It is a challenge to overcome the inability to speak up about the impact others’ actions have made in one’s life can be an enormous hurdle. Don’t fear someone not acknowledging your feelings. You know what happened to you and the impact carries through your life in many ways one may not think possible to start. It has taken me crying for days on end through the real examination of my life to finally see the point of letting it out – in a constructive manner.

Without further ado, a letter to my brother and my assailant.

Jim,As difficult as this letter is for me to write, I know that it is a necessary step in my final and ultimate healing that needs to take place in my life. I have come to this realization because of all that has transpired and how it has affected me, my life and those around me.

I have been angry. I have been angry at everything in my life. I made choices in my life because I didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t correlate what you did to me with the choices I was making and was so lost in my life, I wouldn’t have been able to understand all that was taking place. It wasn’t until so many years later that I have been able to comprehend everything.

I feel guilty. I was only 8 years old when I told Mom that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill myself because of what I was going through and she couldn’t understand why I would feel that way. I was put into counseling and when the male counselor was getting frustrated with not understanding why I felt the way I did, instead of actually looking at what I was telling him through pictures, I conformed to what he wanted and it was the end of my counseling. I should have continued, and perhaps further abuse wouldn’t have occurred in my life, but even more so, in the lives of the girls. I can’t possibly think that you would be able to differentiate between victims you chose with a blood relation or not at this point. I harbor much guilt for that, and it isn’t my place to be guilty. You hurt me by your own choice and you hurt them by your own choice. The guilt I feel should be solely carried by you.

I even felt guilty when I told Mom at the age of 17 that you had abused me and again in 2000, after I had confronted you. I let her read all the emails between you and I and she cried, for days. She didn’t want to believe me, as you were always the prodigal child and to see that you could have hurt someone devastated her, especially one of her children. She always swore that she wouldn’t let anyone hurt one of her children the way she had been hurt, and you did. I felt guilty because that hurt her. I didn’t need to feel guilty – and neither did she. YOU made your choices and you hurt more than just me by them.

In 2000, after I had confronted you about the abuse you delivered into my life, we had begun the process of rebuilding our relationship. I, at that point, had let go of what occurred in the past and was focused on the present. You were a major part of my life and I wanted you to continue to be part of my life. I trusted you and would confide in you. It was important that we had the sibling relationship, from where I stood. I value family more than you could ever know and I didn’t want to shove you out of my life because I was abused by you. I truly felt we had found a strong and stable relationship that was open and honest. Through this process I have come to the difficult realization that the prior six years were nothing but a fabrication. I would love to believe otherwise, but know that if you were capable of hurting another person then the entire show that you put on was just that, a show and I was just another one of the puppets in the play.

I had rebuilt so much trust in you that I would have given my life to believe that what Rene came forth with was a lie. When I actually heard what she said, I questioned… as there were so many similarities between what she claimed you did to her and what you did to me. It was through listening to the accusations that I had to question deep within myself if you were capable of causing that same life sentence to another person. It is a life sentence and carries through to every aspect of your life. It isn’t something you just forget and if you don’t remember EVERYTHING at some point little things will sneak out when you least expect it and again, it throws you for such a complete and total whirlwind of emotion it devastates all of those around you – even your children, as I have found.

The physical hurt is nothing compared to the emotional devastation I have encountered through my life. I have looked upon sex as a necessity in order for any person to feel any sort of love towards me. I have been dependent upon a man to provide some sense of happiness in my life. It wasn’t until recently in my life that I discovered I could be happy if I was alone.

It took more struggle in my life to reach that ultimate conclusion that I care to express. I found stability in my life, by myself. I was able to do anything and everything I could have wanted. I was even able to blow $700 on a trip for myself and one other to go to a concert. I was able to do that because I found the stability in my life to accomplish that. However, I’m now struggling, once again, with that as I have moved from my comfort zone and with that, the emotional baggage that I have carried throughout my entire life, starting at such a young age, has resurfaced and I stand, looking at the man that I love so much and question if we can survive this because I am not me – again.

I am reaching a point where I realize more than I could have realized in the past how much your actions play a part in my life. It is because of this that I have to reach out to you, and allow you to see just what pain I have encountered in my life as a result. THIS is not something I wanted, YOUR actions are not something I ASKED for and YOU took my innocence. HOW fair is it that I didn’t get to make my own choices as to who I wanted to touch me, when I wanted them to touch me or how I wanted them to touch me? It isn’t fair and you took all of that away from me. Now, it’s up to me to regain my own sense of self-worth so that I can continue to reach for my dreams and accomplish everything I was born to accomplish.

Voicing my opinion with men has been more than difficult. I have struggled with this since I can remember. If I said anything, I would face the serious repercussions of not feeling loved. I still get scared out of my mind when I have to answer any question that someone might not appreciate. I am brought back to being 8 years old, sitting in that little room with a counselor and him asking me questions about why I drew an image the way I drew it and not having the ability to speak out. YOU did that to me, you took that away from me too. I feel like I have accomplished great feats when someone will ask me now if I’m okay and I respond with “No.” That is a major hurdle in my daily life – and you are at the root of that cause.

I found that I could write and write out the emotions that I felt. You shaped what I wanted to become in my life – a lawyer who specialized in child abuse and abandonment, but at the same time, I feared rejection so bad that I couldn’t bring myself to go to school for it. Where would I be now if I hadn’t gone through the abuse that you put me through? What type of person would I be? I know I wouldn’t be a timid person who questions her every thought and action. I would be a person more than willing to stand up for everything and everyone that I believed in. You took that from me.

I have had very little sense of self-worth throughout my life. I have looked towards everyone else to ensure that I had worth instead of looking at and inside of myself. I have conformed to what other’s felt I should be doing just to have some satisfaction in their eyes that I am worth a shit. I’m a human being and aside from some lousy choices I’ve made in my life, I am an incredible person. I have a heart bigger than most, I help people in any way I possibly can and more importantly, I exist in a manner that, by all standards, is much more honorable than what the majority of society does. I have morals and I live with them, live by them and don’t default myself and allow myself to sit below those morals to exist. My worth as a human is more than I have felt in the last 20 years of my life. I am struggling with that once again, but in dealing with and allowing you to know the true effects of your actions, I don’t have to succumb to those feelings of worthlessness ever again.

You know, I was ashamed to state that my brother went to prison for molesting his daughter. I WAS ashamed. That isn’t a feeling I possess any longer. So what, you went to prison. That isn’t a reason for me to feel shame. There is no reason in the world for me to feel shame that you made the choice to take my innocence and no reason for me not to announce to the world that you did what you chose to do. YOU made your choice and it isn’t for me to feel the repercussions of YOUR choices. It is up to me to rise above the choices you made and cope with the effects they have left in my life so that I can be more than what I have seen myself as for so many years.

I am a woman on a journey to change. I am changing from the timid, insecure and victimized child into a woman with every reason in the world to be proud of who she is, no matter what choices I’ve made in the past. It is up to me to make the best of my life and it’s up to me to ensure that YOUR actions don’t press upon my life in a negative manner any longer. I am working on all of that and working on being the best possible mother, friend, soon-to-be wife (proving that we make it there now), employee and person I possibly can be.

I was happy hearing that you would be in prison for only 14 years to start. I felt that would be enough time for you to undergo serious amounts of treatment and hopefully return to society in a rehabilitated manner. Although, as I sit here now, and really looking at the impact you have made in my life for over 20 years, I’m not sure that a 14 year sentence is adequate. I have lived in a prison for over 20 years of my life. Your daughters will live in a prison for the rest of their lives. Can you truly understand the repercussions of your actions in the time you are in prison? I don’t think that a life sentence is long enough for you to understand or ‘repay’ your debt to your victims.

You are lucky I’m not the biased judge sitting behind the bench sentencing you to your term locked away. Knowing the true devastating impact your actions have left upon your victims would put me wanting them to subject you to cruel and unusual punishment. I don’t have the option of bringing charges against you as the statute of limitations has long run out, but if I could, I would so that I could stand in front of a courtroom full of people and read this letter to them. I want them to know how you have impacted my life and the choices I have made in my life.

At this point, I have to look at you as my assailant instead of my brother. By adding in the dynamics of that relationship, all it does is add to my confusion. You hurt me, you hurt me in ways I never thought possible nor would have thought possible especially since you were supposed to protect me from all the bad in the world as my big brother.

I still love you. That’s something that comes with you being my brother and coming from the same Mother. There are some memories from childhood that include you to which I will forever cherish. The majority, however, lead to ill feelings that I am working on seeing their positive effect in my life now. I really do hope that you receive the treatment that will help you, but I will never see you as a cured person.

I will not apologize for the intensity of this letter. I have no reason to be sorry as it was your actions that brought this letter to its creation. You have much more to account for than the abuse you wrought into my life. Perhaps after knowing the negative impact you have created in my life, you will begin to see the life-long prison your daughters now face and any other victim that has crossed your path in the last 20+ years.

I do wish you well in your time incarcerated. I pray that you will find peace, understanding and somehow find the way to forgive yourself of the heinous actions delivered.

Mysti

In a serious whirl-wind of emotion that has overcome my life there are a few major factors that have impacted my life in ways I didn’t think, and didn’t want to think possible. The next few blogs following this one will be highly emotional, raw and intense. It is time in my life to let go of the past and in this quest I have chosen to embark, a few necessary letters have to be written.

Mysti

I have always been a woman who has fueled my future by the past I have lived. I have relied on all of those experiences to influence the life that is now. I have held onto emotions that didn’t need holding onto. This is my good-bye to all of that.

My childhood -

I was abused; physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually. I have fought certain aspects of myself all because my innocence was taken so prematurely and without my permission on any level. I have continued to be angered by the wrongs that were done to me and through this, have ruined many relationships by displacing the emotions I felt there on those who crossed my path. To those of you I have hurt, I am sorry. To the past that has haunted me, impacted my life and the lives of others; good-bye.

My Teenage Years -

What teenager doesn’t go through their own self evaluation and self-discovery? Mine lead me to a choice that hurt one person and I served the time for it. I had that held against me time and time again, especially by an ex who had no right to do that. I allowed that choice to be part of who I was, and I am not that person. My forgiveness is asked and to once allowing a choice I made to define the person that I am; good-bye.

The early adulthood -

The first and most difficult impact made in my early adulthood was the birth and death of my son, Mathew Reiley White. I have been defined more by that one experience in my life than by any other. The pain I have felt has been so real, so deep and beyond intense. I, at one point, attempted suicide because the pain I felt was so great. I hurt so many through my own emotional instability throughout that entire time in my life. I am sorry for hurting you – for hurting myself and most of all, I am sorry for not letting go in the way that I should have. To my son, my forever angel, I will always love you, but at this point am letting you go – allowing myself the opportunity to grow into this life I have found. Thank you for saving me and changing me. Good-bye my son.

The relationships -

I have had too many relationships in my life to count. Some ended for one reason or another, but ultimately, there were many problems as a result of my past. To those of you who were hurt in any way, I send out my deepest apologies. To those of you who hurt me, you are forgiven. To the past relationships that once encompassed my life; good-bye.

My resolution -

The new year has brought with it so many opportunities. As part of my resolve to ensure that 2007 is filled with much happiness, I have truly begun the process of letting go and moving forward. With my welcomes for the present and future, I say good-bye to the past.

Mysti Linne